


i've been afraid of changing (cause i built my life around you)

by Woahsos



Series: gotta get it in my head (i'll never be 16 again) [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Sad Luke Hemmings, also how depressing is it that that's a tag, ash and cal are only mentioned, i guess i don't know, i guess??, im so sorry luke for projecting myself onto you, it's just very self-indulgent and me projecting my feelings into fic, they're not in the band, this REALLY doesn't have a plot, this isn't really a college au but they're going to college so, why are we so mean to luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woahsos/pseuds/Woahsos
Summary: He should’ve made more friends, maybe, or at least not grown so dependent on the ones he had because he knew they would leave eventually, for one reason or another.orMichael, Ashton, and Calum are all going off to college. Luke's not.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Series: gotta get it in my head (i'll never be 16 again) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942180
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	i've been afraid of changing (cause i built my life around you)

“This doesn’t have to be a huge thing, you know?” Michael says from the driver's seat.

Luke’s not really sure where they’re going. He’s sat in the passenger seat of Michael’s beat-up Jeep, staring at the city lights as they pass by. Michael had texted him about an hour earlier that he was outside of Luke’s house, and then wouldn’t answer any of Luke’s questions once he had gotten in. 

They’ve been driving since, seemingly to nowhere, and Luke’s had a growing feeling of unease the entire time. He’s been trying to reason that there’s no reason to be afraid, him and Michael have known each other for years. Luke would, and has, followed Michael anywhere and he hasn’t been led astray yet. Now, though, he’s thinking that maybe it wasn’t such a good thing that he willingly did anything Michael wanted to do, that he grew so attached and dependent on the other boy to the point where all of Luke’s memorable teenage experiences all involved Michael. 

“What do you mean?” he asks, though he really doesn’t want to.

“This,” Michael says, barely taking his eyes off the road to glance at Luke. “Us. Me, leaving.”

Ah. 

Michael, Calum, and Ashton were all going off to school. Not the same school, but all relatively close to each other to the point where they could meet up sometimes. 

And Luke wasn’t. Luke was staying home to work and save money. And because he wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to do. He’d been questioning that decision ever since he made it, though. It wasn’t even a conscious decision, really. He had gotten accepted to a few schools, and then just kept putting off signing up for classes. Then he had gotten a job at a local bookstore. His parents had asked if he was going to school, he said he’d start next semester, and that had been that. 

Maybe he should’ve just signed up for the damn classes.

Luke doesn’t say anything because Michael had pulled into the grassy parking area that led to the pier they always went to during the summer. All four of them spent hours sitting in the sand, eating and talking and laughing and playing stupid games of Never Have I Ever until the sun was starting to come up. Luke couldn’t bear the sight of it anymore. 

Michael had gotten out, and was already sitting on the sand far away from the water. Luke followed. Of course he did. 

Normally, the water crashing softly against the sand was pleasant background noise to revealing conversations at three in the morning. At the present moment, it only served to make anxiety rise in Luke. The moon reflecting against the water was mocking him, telling him that this would be the last time. The sand under Luke’s hands was cool and coarse; he rubbed his palms against it in hopes it would ground him but it only lit his nerves on fire. He couldn’t understand what was happening.

Michael hadn’t said anything yet, so Luke didn’t either. That was the way it always went. Michael, or one of the others, initiated and Luke followed. They called Luke and asked him to hang out with them in the middle of the night and he said okay. They brought him food or shakes unprompted and then spent hours at his house. Luke was content with that arrangement because he couldn’t start conversations for the life of him, and they knew that. 

One time, he had asked Calum why they decided to bring him into their little group, considering they had barely talked outside of the few classes they shared.

_ You were just so quiet,  _ Calum had said, and then joked,  _ We were just like, “We’re going to ruin this boy’s life.” _

Looking back, that answer doesn’t seem as funny as it had in the moment.

“Are you going to be, like, okay?” Michael asked, finally, sounding very much like he didn’t want to be having this conversation. Luke didn’t really want to have it either because that made everything real.

“Will we still be friends?” he asked quietly. His throat was suddenly tight and he had to grip his hands so he would stop fidgeting with them. Not that Michael would notice. Luke looked over at him, but Michael was staring ahead at the ocean.

He stayed facing forward when he answered, “Of course.”

Luke wanted so badly to believe him. After all, they knew everything about each other. Luke knew more about all three of them than he thought he would ever know about another person. He’s seen them all cry, he knows what gets them all going, he knows what they’re feeling the second he sees one of them, and the same thing goes the other way. Luke’s revealed more to them than he ever wanted to. Not everything, because he didn’t know how to tell them some stuff, didn’t know how to explain the crushing loneliness and despair he felt at all times in a way they would understand. Sometimes he didn’t think he needed to, because it was easier to deal with when he was with any of them. As long as he had them, his brain wasn’t overpowering.

But Calum and Ashton had already left a week ago, and he hadn’t really heard anything from them other than a few pictures on Snapchat. And now Michael was leaving, which Luke couldn’t think about too much or his heart got heavy and his chest got full. Calum and Ashton were a bit easier to deal with, not much, but a bit. 

“We’ll be back,” Michael said, voice competing with the waves with how quiet he was. “For holidays and stuff.”

“Yeah,” Luke whispered. Michael probably couldn’t hear him, but Luke didn’t want him to, because he would hear everything Luke wasn’t saying. He would hear how, just because they would come back, didn’t mean they’d be coming back for Luke.

“You’ll be joining us in a semester anyways.” Michael knocked his shoulder against Luke’s. Luke stared at his legs and didn’t say that they might have moved on by then. They might have already made more friends, friends they’d like better than Luke because their new friends wouldn’t call in the middle of the night, crying over nothing. Their new friends wouldn’t convince themselves that the boys hate them for no reason. Their new friends might actually text them first to hang out. Luke doesn’t say that they’ll probably have forgotten all about him by then, because Michael would argue and Luke doesn’t have the energy for it right now.

When Luke still doesn’t say anything, Michael keeps going, “Plus, we’ll all come back after graduation. We won’t be able to afford apartments or anything just yet. And we’ll get jobs nearby and hang out every Friday, just like we said. And you know we’re going to have group calls, like, all the time. You can’t get rid of us that easily.”

Luke knows what Michael’s doing. He’s trying to make Luke feel better, to reassure him, to at least make him laugh because Michael doesn’t know how else to deal with Luke’s emotions other than just making him laugh or smile. And Luke knows that he should appreciate it but he can’t because his chest feels tight with all the doubt and anger he’s keeping inside. Doubt towards everything that Michael’s said, anger at himself for being so attached to them all, especially Michael, and for not having his life together. He should’ve just signed up for the  _ fucking  _ classes. 

He should’ve made more friends, maybe, or at least not grown so dependent on the ones he had because he knew they would leave eventually, for one reason or another. 

He still doesn’t say anything, though, because it’ll make Michael feel bad and he won’t know what to say and then Luke will just feel worse. 

Michael’s tapping on his legs, and Luke knows he already feels kinda bad, worried at least, and Luke hates himself all over again. He doesn’t know what to say that would put Michael’s mind at ease because they would both be able to tell he was lying. There’s no way to reassure Michael that he’ll be okay because he’s not sure he’ll be okay. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, other than they're all leaving and he’s  _ not _ . Luke wants to cry. His head hurts and his breathing is getting short. 

“Luke,” Michael starts, quieter than before. “You know I love you, yeah?”

Luke closes his eyes. “Yeah,” he whispers. He knows. He knows Michael means it more than he’d mean it if he had said it to Calum or Ashton. They’ve shared enough kisses and whispered secrets in the dark for Luke to not know. But they never put a name to it, never talked about it, and that’s where doubt creeps its bleak head into Luke’s psyche. 

Michael’s hand is ghosting it’s way up to Luke’s cheek, turning his head so they’re facing each other. Luke has no choice but to look at Michael’s face, to see how his eyes are shining, swirling with concern and awe and anguish, and how his cheeks are slightly ruddy from the breeze biting at them. He’s sure he doesn’t look anywhere near as pretty, considering his eyes are still watering and his nose is running slightly and he hadn’t brushed his hair or even changed out of his pajamas. 

Michael searches his face for a brief moment, then connects their lips. It’s soft. Michael’s lips are warm and they move gently against Luke’s. And Luke knows that it’ll be like every other kiss, every other tender moment; they’ll never talk about it, Luke will think about it all the time and wonder if Michael even gives it a passing thought, but he can’t not kiss him back. He can’t stop his hands from reaching up and gripping at Michael’s shirt, hard enough that his fingers ache. Michael’s own hands are cupping Luke’s face, brushing away the tears that have slipped free.

Luke’s heart feels like it’s clawing its way up his chest and into his throat, scratching at it until he lets out a choked sob that gets lost somewhere between where his mouth ends and Michael’s begins. He pulls away to gasp in a breath, breaking through the surface of his emotions in desperate search of air. Michael rests his forehead against Luke’s and runs his thumbs over Luke’s cheekbones. Luke’s being pulled back down again; he thinks he’s drowning. He wants to scream.

Instead, he croaks out a broken, “ _ Mikey _ .”

Michael grips his face tighter before he lets go. He stands up, looks back towards the water one more time, and says, “I’ll drive you home.”

Luke quietly cries the whole way back. His head is pounding and he feels sick every time he moves.

Michael kisses him one last time before Luke gets out of the car.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this instead of working on my "it" x 5sos au (also would anyone actually wanna read that if i ever finish it?? please let me know)  
> um,,,i'm very sorry about this, it's the only way i knew how to get my feelings out. woo for growing up and all your friends leaving, am i right? hopefully this wasn't too depressing. also thank you bella for reading through this and fixing all my dumb grammatical mistakes, you're a legend.  
> follow me on tumblr if you would like @escapesos  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, thank u all for indulging me <3
> 
> (title is from landslide by fleetwood mac)


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